Blood and Pain

This week we got the news that Mary Anne has breast cancer. We have wonderful friends, a great church family, and two great families to lean on during this time. We have been married almost 13 years. I love her more than I could ever say and I never want to see her in pain.

I realized the difference in blood and pain when I drove an ambulance. I have seen bodies burned, crushed, ran over, children dead on the street. Things I will never forget and sometimes still have trouble dealing with to this day. Yet, I never got queezy, never felt sick. Then when Faith was being born they stuck a needle in Mary Annes back and called it pain relief, and I almost fainted. It is different when you know the person.

My biggest two fears about the cancer is not that something bad will happen to Mary Anne. I have faith in God and the doctors that everything will go well with her surgery. My fear is that I will not be able to handle her pain, or I will say something wrong trying to be funny (see earlier post).

A real giggle loop

I make jokes, that is how I handle things. Anytime I am in a situation that I feel uncomfortable in I withdraw and make a joke. It is the curse of the giggle loop. If you don't know what the giggle loop is then think of the last time you were at a funeral, in a wedding, or sitting next to someone who just got horrible news. Then, out of nowhere something funny pops into your head. You know you can't laugh, but that makes it that much funnier. You try and try, and then let out a little smirk and giggle, then you realize you have let it out and start laughing. This is why I was never really great as a Fire Chaplain in Marion. Once I was at a fire scene and was helping move a body into a bag. Yes that kind of bag, and you know what happened. Yep.

The giggle loop is my bodys way of relieving stress in a stressful moment. You think of the worst possible thing to say in any given moment, and try your hardest not to say it. I try to find funny in any situation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iKjkPgVQcE